The things I lost with depression:
Disclaimer: This post contains triggering information about major depression and suicide.
MY LOVE OF COOKING
MY MOTIVATION TO EXERCISE
I found myself buying more Uber Eats and Door Dash than ever before. How did I ever live before? How amazing is it for any type of food you love to be delivered right to your door?? My belly has grown, and the pounds on the scale have crept up so much, that I don’t even waste time looking anymore. I’m just living extra thickalicious and all.
MY EASYGOING SMILE
MY DESIRE TO CONNECT WITH FRIENDS
Hmmm… I don’t feel like going out tonight. I might catch covid. I can’t pretend to laugh at anyone’s jokes today. I’m not 👏🏽 in 👏🏽 the 👏🏽mood👏🏽. A very weird thing for my extroverted, (love talking to any random stranger on the street) self. My husband recognized the change, he started signing me up for Meetups and gym classes. Forcing me to get dressed and leave the house. Go to the park and Walmart, his two cure-alls for everything wrong in life. I just didn’t feel like it anymore. I rather lay in bed, on the couch, on the floor watching tv, crying, or doing nothing.
MY JOY OF READING
MY MOTIVATION TO WORK & LEARN
I couldn’t focus anymore. I felt like I just stared at the screen for an hour but completed nothing and got nothing done. I pretended I loved my work and everything I was doing. I smiled and laughed during meetings. When the videos clicked off, my smile clicked off. I contemplated drinking wine and beer at lunch.
MY LOVE OF OUTDOORS
I stopped hiking and exercising. It didn’t lift my mood anymore. The thought of walking up a mountain and spending hours outside sounded exhausting and like pure torture. (I know this is a normal thought for many people lol, but for me, it was weird) Just a few months earlier hiking in the mountains was my newfound saving grace and hobby. My solitude. Time to bounce around in my thoughts against the cool air and the mountain views. Now I had no desire to explore.
MY ABILITY TO DREAM OF A FUTURE
MY WILL TO LIVE
I thought about stepping in front of the moving cars driving down the street. I thought of which pills I could take to drown myself out. I thought a lot about how I could do death in a way that would be easier for my husband and family to digest. I thought I had to die because: life would not get better > because I was a terrible person > because no matter what I did, my circumstances and life would not change. I thought I tried everything I could and it felt like everything would never be enough. I thought maybe I would never feel and be happy again.
Major Depression can make you feel like you are not you anymore. You exercise, you eat right, go out with friends, but that doesn’t work. You drink heavily, eat lots of cake and cookies, and watch Netflix for 5 days straight. That doesn’t work. You have more sex, watch porn, read 50 shades of grey. No bueno. When all your self-soothing methods stop working, what do you do next?
Seek professional help and find your joy again
You are still in there
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
If you think someone is considering suicide, get help from a crisis or suicide prevention hotline. Try the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.